What a long, strange journey...

What a long, strange, hellish yet beautiful, journey this past year has been!

I lost EVERYTHING this past year.  If you've ever wondered what it would be like to have your life be completely destroyed, let me tell you, it's not a fun experience.  I had to liquidate virtually all my earthly possessions except what could be shipped in a few boxes, plus two duffel bags of clothes.  No more of my beloved animal companions.  No more furniture.  No more crafting supplies.  No more beloved love of my life.  It was like being in a tragedy, a really bad movie of the week on the Lifetime movie channel.

In the midst of the life-explosion I tried to find some peace, an island of sanity, but instead found just more insanity , less peace.  So I just let go.  Total surrender to the Universe.  Gave the wheel over to The Creator of All That Is.

I moved to be with my sister in New York, living on a small farm on top of a mountain.  I came here to heal, to let the Universe do what it felt I needed.  I was/am like an onion, having layers stripped from my psyche gently peeled back.

I had to seek forgiveness for my past transgressions.  Wastefulness.  Wantonness.  Neediness.  Carelessness.  Thoughtlessness.  The list is longer than I care to share.

The name of this blog describes what I truly believe.  Even when we must experience the worst that life has to offer, if we choose to move through it, the Universe will ultimately be kind and restore or renew the good parts of the journey.

My faith in the Universe has not wavered, even though my faith and trust in myself faltered.  I've learned that the second most powerful energy that we possess is forgiveness.  Forgiveness of one's self, of one's own poor choices, can clear the path that has been cluttered and blocked by the ruins of what was a life.

The most powerful energy we have is love.  Love is pure light that vanquishes all other dark energies.  Love heals.  Love is a place.  Love works only for us.  Love is our guardian angel that lights our way.

True love survives when all else is swept away.

I thank the Universe for clearing the way for me and my true love to have another chance at happiness, another chance for us both to ride the wave of life out to the end.

The Universe is kind...even when it's cruel, it's kind.

Peace.

To move, or not to move....

That is the question.  Whether it is better to run than to hunker down and make what is not currently working work, or run like hell is chasing me.

This is unfortunately where I am currently in my life.

I am feeling in a bit of a fog, not understanding what has happened.  I know I have skills that are marketable, yet I feel unmarketable.  I have been trying to do what I think in right, yet seem to e making the wrong decisions at every turn.  What can I say?  What can I do?  How can I pray?  Why aren't the answers coming to me like they used to?

I have run before from hell.  I ran from hell when I left Las Vegas, and felt like I had demons chasing me.  Well, unfortunately I was right.  Not only did the demons chase me, they caught up and smashed everything to bits.  So obviously the running isn't really a good thing to do.

I've tried different jobs, mostly call center jobs.  I have found that call center jobs are one of the rings of hell that Dante Alighieri talked about in "The Divine Comedy."  BTW, why did he call it the Divine Comedy anyway...it really isn't very funny, even if the rings were allegories to states of mind and being in this world, not the next.

One thing I think I've figured out about life in general is that you can't run from the demons.  They are like klingons, holding onto you even when you think they are gone.  What I need is a whole mess of Charmin bathroom tissue to get rid of the klingons, at least that's what the almightly television commercial gods tell me.

I just listened to Carole King's Tapestry song on YouTube, and God bless Carole King!  She always takes me back to reality.  Listen to the Tapestry song and you'll know what I mean.

The Universe is Kind...even when it's cruel, it's kind.

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If you don't like the road you're walking...

I lifted this picture from a friend who had posted it today because it really spoke to me in a powerful way. 

I haven't liked the direction of my life for some time now.  I've been feeling demoralized by not being able to get a job/keep a job, etc, along with feeling bad about my health situation, creditors calling ad infinitum, and just feeling a bit worthless.

But then a few things started me thinking -- thinking about what it is I have to offer the world, how I can effect change, what I can contribute to the massive change that the entire world is going through RIGHT NOW. 

I started back when I was a child, thinking about the things that I used to do and feel passionate about.  So I started babysitting which is the very first paying job I ever had!  While I've been babysitting I've been crocheting hats.  Hats that I can sell to people who want them, hats I can give away to those who need them, hats that show that I have created something that is useful with my own two hands! 

I've found it gives me pleasure to create with my hands.

I also find pleasure in writing, another way of creating with my hands.  It's interesting to me that I suffer from a strange affliction.  I have great difficulty getting words from my brain to my mouth, but find it incredibly easy to get my thoughts clearly from my brain to my hands!  So why not start writing more.

Then an opportunity has come along from the Diversity News Magazine in the Treasure Valley, Idaho, to help revitalize the publication to better serve the needs of the LGBTQ community and our allies.  This opportunity will not only allow me my expression through my hands, but tap the untapped resource that I paid good money for in the '80s, my education and continuing interest in Marketing and Advertising!  What a concept.

So, as the sneaker says, I am beginning to start paving my own road.  It may take a while to clear the brush and rocks, maybe some explosives to move part of a mountain, more study about the lay of the land, environmental studies so I don't run over some endangered species along the way.  But a new road I will build, new signs for others to follow and perhaps make their journey a bit more pleasant.

And once again, I remind myself that the Universe is Kind...

My First Sermon

I was asked to prepare a Sermon for my church, the Treasure Valley Metropolitan Community Church, due to our Pastor Renee's illness.  Before reading this, I ask that you pray, in whatever way you may pray, for Pastor Renee McCall, and that the doctors may find out her illness and bring her to healing.  Thanks.

July 24, 2011

Today is a beautiful day!  It is a day the Creator made, a day filled with everything we need.

Today men and women, gay and lesbian couples in the State of New York, are actually getting legally and lawfully married!

Today is also one day closer to the end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, for our brothers and sisters in the United States Armed Forces!

And we praise God for the progress we have seen for the LGBTQ  Community in our lifetimes!

So how did this beautiful day come to be?

Our scripture readings today actually tell us how this, and in fact every beautiful day, is created.

The passages in Matthew all describe Jesus speaking in parables, in story form.  We all remember how teenagers talk, with “like” beginning every sentence.  That’s what talking in parables is like.

Why did Jesus talk in parables all day?  The scriptures say it was to fulfill what the prophets of old had prophesied about the Messiah, Jesus.

Ok, we can accept that.  Everything that was prophesied about the Messiah needed to be fulfilled, fulfilled for the Old Testament believers, the Israelites, because under the Law of Moses, those who were given the law needed to follow the law and be prepared, needed to watch for, the fulfillment of the Law.

And how blessed are those who have seen and believed in Jesus as the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the Living God!

But, why else would Jesus talk in parables all day?  I believe it was because Jesus had enough experience teaching people to know that everyone learns in different ways, because each of us walk a different path, each of us have had, and continue to have, different life experiences, both good and bad.  By talking in parables, Jesus was accepting each of the people for who and what they were, what they had already experienced in life.  He wanted to make his message of our Creator, the Living God, clear to those who would hear Him.

He wants each of us to understand that God loves ALL of his children.  And that ALL who believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Messiah, and ALL who know this as fact, can ACCEPT THEMSELVES as a child of the Living God, the brother or sister of Jesus Christ.

The passages in Romans 8: 26-39, really drive this point home.  These verses talk about the Spirit, God’s Holy Spirit, who is our direct link to God our Creator, and to Jesus Christ, our brother.

V26 “The Spirit, too, comes to help us in our weakness.”

What is considered our weakness?  Financial hardships, like I am presently contending with; illness that is not fully diagnosed, like Pastor Renee is experiencing right now; illness that is diagnosed and being treated, like Gloria is experiencing with her heart; the inequality that the LGBTQ Community has been, and is still being, subjected to by the laws of the land and the Law of Moses (which we as followers of Christ know was fulfilled by Jesus Christ’s life).

V26 continues, “For we don’t know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit expresses our plea with groaning’s too deep for words.”

“Groaning’s too deep for words.”

Have you ever felt that kind of connection to the Holy Spirit?  Have you ever been humbled by circumstances to the point where you give up all control to God, to Jesus Christ?

And what did you feel when you gave up the control of the situation or circumstance you found yourself in, of your weakness, to the capable hands of the Holy Spirit, to the Living God, to Christ?

Joy?  Relief?  A cleansing?

Did you start to feel the lightening of what was a weakness, a burden, and start to feel the warmth, light and lightness of Love?

That’s how this beautiful day was created.  This is how we can, and do, overcome our weaknesses and burdens.  This is how equality comes to ALL.  It is like the parable of the faith of a mustard seed.  Once we each know who we are, once we have full faith in the Creator, in Jesus Christ as our brother, in the Holy Spirit as our direct connection to the Living God, once we live our authentic selves and respect each other as brothers and sisters, THIS is when miracles happen!  THIS is when we can heal and be healed.

THIS is when each day can be as beautiful a day as this day is today!

I say this in Jesus’ blessed Name.  Amen.

Mercy Trumps Judgment

What do you do with a wayward child?  Love them even more.  Anger only strengthens their resistance. The same goes for spouses, friends, employees, parents…
Mercy always trumps judgment.

This is from the daily email I get from the website that has Kaballah on it.  I know that it's something I REALLY need to hear today, because the anger I am feeling is really deep and hurts really bad.  Even though I know that I should love more and replace the anger I feel with love instead, I am feeling my humanity, I am feeling the clay I am made of, I'm not feeling very spiritual.

I really try and succeed most of the time.  Change the angle I'm looking at the situation and love the hate that is being aimed at me from others.  From the hate I'm feeling from myself, THAT'S the one that is the deal-breaker.  This hate tells me I'm not good enough, I'm not thin enough, I don't exercise enough, I don't pray enough, I shouldn't feel the way I feel, yet I feel the way I feel because of having been told the above all my life. 

I'm just sick of it.  I know I am good enough.  I know I have a way to go to be physically fit, but then, as I look at all the other clay figures moving around in this life, each of them have the same challenge.  I pray plenty, and have my own conversations with the Universe, and the Universe thinks I'm just fine and am moving in the right direction. 

So I suppose I should feel the anger I feel, and that I'm justified in feeling it.  Now, do I make a change that is radical, or do I change the angle that I'm looking at it and bring love back? 

Why do I even have to ask this question?  Just asking the question hurts me deeply.  The Universe only wants me to act in love.  And I have to look at the reality I am currently in and make that decision -- here's a fork in the road, the signs both have the same message -- This way to love.  That way to love.  Both choices are always rocky and filled with deep grooves and potholes that need to be avoided. 

And just why did I sign up for this when I decided to come into this life? 

The Universe is Kind...even when It's cruel, It's Kind.

What a wonderful evening!

I remembered a happy memory from my childhood.  It was the 4th of July fireworks in Roosevelt Park in Edison, NJ, sometime in the 1960s, the smells of summer -- barbecues, squeels of joy from kids playing tag, the throwing of frisbees, people on blankets, chairs that would only last one summer or so, people biking around the lake that we had just 6 months earlier straped on ice skates to be the next skating star! 

That's what I remembered while laying on a blanket in Anne Morrison Park in Boise, ID, last night waiting for the fireworks display.  There were thousands of people there, and yet it didn't feel like it was crowded.  Kris and I were invited by our friends Judy, Renee and Diane to share the evening with them.

And what a display it was! It lasted only about 20 minutes, which I always remembered the displays being longer somehow, but I believe memory of childhood doesn't come with the correct timing. 

The fireworks display, as beautiful as it was, was totally secondary to the experience of just hanging out with good friends, feeling childhood memories instead of just thinking about them. 

Joy.  A joy that as adults we rarely get to experience in our "adult" world of responsibilities.  It made me want to have more of these joyous experiences, the kind that makes life worth living, the kind that MEANS living.

The Universe is Kind...

LGBT Pride in Boise, ID

Well, we successfully made it through this past week of Boise Pride!  It was incredibly fun, Kris and I, along with other MCC members, worked the MCC booth at Pride this year. 

What a wonderful crowd!  I would estimate between 2,000 to 3,000 people or more showed up to fill our space in Ann Morrison Park on Saturday.  I was able to meet many new people and actually met up with some old friends that I hadn't seen in years!  There were Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual, Queer AND Straight people who came to enjoy the loving and accepting atmosphere that had been created by all different types of groups. 

The A.L.P.H.A. group who are deeply involved in HIV and AIDS education and assistance for people with the disease, were there doing anonymous testing for the HIV virus.  I was amazed because I hadn't been tested since 1994 when they would take a vial of blood and then give you a number, etc.  Back then it was a big event just to find out your status.  Now, they swab your mouth, give you an ID number, and within 20 min, you know your HIV status!  Thank God that science has come such a long way to make it as easy as taking a pregnancy test! (and for those who are nosey, I am neither HIV positive NOR pregnant, thank you very much!)

As with all Pride celebrations I have attended, there were things that could have been done or organized better, but all in all, the celebration went VERY well.  I hope that more organizations in the Treasure Valley can get together earlier, and that the Boise Pride organization will allow, other organizations participate and help organize the 2012 event.  Everyone would benefit from community cooperation and dedication to the real meaning of Pride... to celebrate our similarities and differences!

The Universe is Kind...